Spoon Theory: Understanding Energy Limits with Compassion
Origins of a Powerful Metaphor
One evening in a diner, writer Christine Miserandino was struggling to explain to her best friend what living with lupus felt like. In a flash of inspiration, she grabbed every spoon within reach – even from other tables – and handed them over. “Here you go, you have lupus,” she said, launching a vivid thought experiment. Each spoon became a unit of energy for the day. Getting out of bed cost a spoon. Showering cost another. Making breakfast? That might be two spoons on a bad day. As her friend listed off her normal morning routine, Christine took away spoon after spoon. Halfway through the day, the spoons were nearly gone – a stark illustration that energy is finite when you live with chronic illness (Miserandino, 2003).
Originally shared on Miserandino's blog But You Don’t Look Sick, Spoon Theory struck a chord. People with chronic illnesses around the world saw themselves in Christine’s story. They began calling themselves "spoonies," proudly adopting the spoon as a symbol of their daily struggle and strength. A spoonie is someone who faces each day with a limited supply of energy and must carefully choose how to spend those spoons. What started as a personal metaphor for lupus quickly grew into a community and a shared language.
From Chronic Illness to Neurodiversity
Though it began in the chronic pain community, Spoon Theory’s simple brilliance has led it far beyond its original home. Anyone with invisible struggles can relate to the idea of limited spoons. In fact, Miserandino’s metaphor has been embraced by people with anxiety, depression, ADHD, autism, and other neurodivergent conditions (Travers, 2024). These experiences often don’t look draining from the outside, but internally they can consume enormous energy. Spoon Theory gives us a way to talk about that.
For example, autistic individuals often describe having fewer spoons for everyday tasks than their neurotypical peers. People with ADHD similarly report that ordinary responsibilities – morning routines, work meetings, paying bills – require more spoons than others might realize (Novotni, 2023). Anxiety can be just as draining: constantly managing worry or sensory overload throughout the day means each small task costs a spoon or two. By day’s end, a person with anxiety might have spent far more spoons just on coping and staying functional than a person without anxiety.
Life as a Spoonie: Everyday Examples
What does navigating a day with limited spoons actually look like? Let’s paint a few familiar pictures:
Sensory Overload: Imagine you have three spoons left after work. You plan to cook dinner (one spoon) and then relax. But a quick stop at the grocery store overwhelms you – the bright lights, loud noises, and crowds each snatch a spoon. By the time you’re home, you’ve spent two spoons just coping with sensory input.
Decision Fatigue: You start the day with 12 spoons. Managing morning decisions already costs a few. At work, every email and decision chips away at your supply. Come afternoon, you’re staring at a menu unable to decide on dinner because you literally have no spoons left for decisions.
Masking and Social Exhaustion: You attend a meeting or party and put on your "best self," masking your neurodivergent traits. Smiling, making small talk, trying to seem calm – all of it costs spoons. When you get home, you’re out of spoons, and even a small ask from a loved one can feel overwhelming.
Every spoonie’s day looks a little different, but the common thread is constant calculation and tough choices. Spoon Theory validates that frustration: yes, it is unfair, and yes, you’re doing the best you can with the spoons you have.
Protecting and Restoring Your Spoons
Spoon Theory isn’t just about describing limitations – it guides us toward action. If you know spoons are limited, you learn to protect the ones you have. How? Through boundaries, rest, and restoration. As Psychology Today notes, there’s "no race to the finish line of a day" when you have limited energy; the goal is to get through what’s necessary without burning out (Travers, 2024).
One powerful tool is boundaries. Researcher Brené Brown puts it plainly: "Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind" (Brown, 2018). Saying no, ending your workday on time, or canceling plans is an act of kindness to yourself. You’re not lazy – you’re protecting your spoons.
You can also replenish spoons through rest, sensory breaks, mindfulness, movement, or low-effort joy. Connection can restore spoons too – especially when you’re with people who don’t require masking. Even asking for help (which takes vulnerability) can be a spoon-saving move. As Novotni (2023) reminds us, these strategies are not selfish; they are necessary.
Speaking the Language of Spoons
Spoon Theory gives us a gentle shorthand to communicate our bandwidth. Instead of overexplaining, you can say, "I’m low on spoons." That phrase is clearer and more compassionate than vague excuses. It lets others in and helps them support you better. It also helps reduce guilt and miscommunication. Brown (2018) emphasizes that clarity builds trust and emotional safety – both of which are essential for people living with limited energy.
Cultivating Self-Compassion
At its core, Spoon Theory encourages self-compassion. It helps you shift from "Why can’t I do more?" to "I’m doing the best I can with what I have today." Some days you’ll have more spoons, others less. Knowing this helps quiet the inner critic and increase self-kindness.
When you wake up with a few extra spoons, you savor them. When you’re running low, you give yourself grace. Spoon Theory teaches us that rest, pacing, and letting go of the nonessential is not giving up – it’s preserving energy for what truly matters.
And if you’re someone who loves a spoonie? Ask how many spoons they have today. It might just be the kindest question you can ask.
If you're looking to explore your own energy, boundaries, or how neurodivergence shows up in your daily life, therapy can be a powerful place to start. Our team at Tulip Tree Counseling is here to support you with curiosity, compassion, and real strategies for building a life that works with your spoons—not against them. Whether you're learning how to better communicate your needs or just trying to get through the week without burning out, you don't have to figure it all out alone.
References
Brown, B. (2018, October 15). Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind. Brené Brown. https://brenebrown.com/articles/2018/10/15/clear-is-kind-unclear-is-unkind/
Miserandino, C. (2003). The Spoon Theory. But You Don’t Look Sick. https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/
Novotni, M. (2023, May 30). The antidote to ADHD fatigue and exhaustion? Stacking habits (and spoons). ADDitude Magazine. https://www.additudemag.com/fatigue-adhd-spoon-theory-habit-stacking/
Travers, M. (2024, May 14). “Spoon Theory” can change the way you view mental health. Psychology Today.https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/202405/spoon-theory-can-change-the-way-you-view-mental-health
