When Parenting Feels Heavy: Supporting Your Neurodivergent Child (and Yourself)
Written by Taylor Alley, A-LPC/MHSP (she/her)
TL;DR: Parenting a neurodivergent child can be full of love, pride, worry, and exhaustion, sometimes all in the same hour. Those feelings are not a sign you are doing it wrong, they are a sign you are carrying a lot. Neurodiversity frames autism and ADHD as natural variations in how brains work, which can ease the pressure to “fix” your child and shift the focus toward support and fit. A strengths based lens helps your child feel capable and seen, which matters for confidence and growth. And you deserve support too, because research consistently shows parents of autistic children and children with ADHD experience higher levels of parenting stress, and social support is linked with better caregiver wellbeing.
Sitting With What Is True
I work with many parents who quietly wonder, “Am I doing this right?” They ask it after school meetings that run long, after another phone call with insurance, after a meltdown that leaves everyone wrung out, after a moment of joy that is immediately followed by fear about what comes next.
If that is you, I want to start here: Parenting can be heavy. Parenting a neurodivergent child can be heavy in a particular way because you are often doing two jobs at once. You are parenting your child, and you are translating your child to systems that do not always make room for them.
Research reflects what parents describe in real life. Parents of autistic children, and parents of children with ADHD, report higher levels of parenting stress on average than parents of children without those diagnoses (Hayes & Watson, 2013; Theule et al., 2013). That does not mean your family is destined to struggle, and it does not mean your child is “too much.” It means you are responding to real demands, and the demand often comes from a mismatch between your child’s needs and the environments around them.
So if you are tired, irritable, tearful, numb, fiercely protective, deeply proud, and uncertain about the future, sometimes all at once, none of that disqualifies you from being a good parent. It makes sense.
Your Child Is Not Broken: A Neurodiversity Affirming Frame
One of the most relieving shifts for many families is moving away from the idea that autism or ADHD are problems to eliminate, and toward the idea that these are natural variations in how human brains develop and process the world. The neurodiversity approach is not one single belief system, and it is still debated and evolving, and it broadly emphasizes that neurological differences are part of human diversity and that disability is shaped not only by a person’s traits, and also by the supports and barriers in their environment (Dwyer, 2022).
This framing can change the emotional temperature in a home.
When the story becomes “my child is wrong,” everything feels urgent. Behaviors become battles. Supports can start to feel like evidence that your child is failing.
When the story becomes “my child’s brain works differently, and they deserve support and respect,” something softens. You can still take anxiety seriously. You can still pursue evaluation, therapy, school services, medication, and accommodations when they are helpful. And you can do all of that without treating your child like a project to fix.
Language often sits right at the center of this shift. Many autistic adults prefer identity first language, meaning “autistic person,” because autism is experienced as an integrated part of identity rather than an accessory a person carries (Taboas et al., 2023). There is not one universal preference across every community and every individual, and the most respectful approach is always to honor a person’s stated preference. And it can still be helpful for parents to know that identity first language is widely preferred among autistic adults in survey research (Taboas et al., 2023).
If you have been told, directly or indirectly, that your child is a problem to solve, it is understandable that you feel pressure. This is where I want to be clear: Your child is not broken. Your child deserves support because support helps humans thrive, not because your child has failed.
Strengths Are Not a Distraction: They Are a Foundation
Many parents can name their child’s challenges quickly because the challenges are what get flagged in school emails, clinic paperwork, and well meaning advice. Strengths can get lost in the noise.
A strengths based lens is not denial. It is not pretending things are easy. It is choosing to also notice what is working, what is emerging, what your child cares about, what brings them alive, and what competence already exists.
There is a growing body of work pushing education and support systems to stop defining autistic people primarily through deficits and to intentionally identify strengths, interests, and abilities that can shape support plans (Devenish et al., 2022). When a child’s interests are respected and incorporated, engagement often improves because motivation increases when the task has meaning.
You have probably seen this at home.
A child who “cannot focus” can spend an hour building something intricate when the topic is right.
A child who “will not communicate” can communicate clearly about a favorite subject, a preferred routine, a sensory boundary, or a fairness concern.
A child who “cannot tolerate change” might handle a big transition better when they have predictability, preparation, and agency.
Strengths do not erase support needs. And strengths can create traction. When children feel capable in one area, it often becomes easier to tolerate frustration in another because confidence is not just a nice feeling, it is a resource.
If you want a simple way to practice this lens, try noticing one thing each day that your child does well that is not “being compliant.” Curiosity counts. Persistence counts. Humor counts. Deep care counts. Pattern recognition counts. Honest communication counts. And these are not small things.
Support for You Is Not Optional
A lot of parents treat their own needs like an afterthought, and it often comes from love. You are trying to conserve time, money, energy, and emotional bandwidth for your child. And the research is steady on this point: caregiver wellbeing matters. Social support is associated with better caregiver adjustment and wellbeing in families of autistic children (Ekas et al., 2010). Support does not remove the hard parts, and it can make the hard parts more survivable.
Support can look like:
One person you can text without editing yourself.
A therapist where you can say the quiet thoughts out loud.
A parent group where the baseline assumption is that you love your child and you are tired.
Practical help that buys you an hour of actual rest.
If you have ever felt guilty for needing a break, it may help to remember that rest is not a reward for perfect parenting. Rest is maintenance.
There is also an emotional reality that does not get named enough: parenting stress can include grief, even when you deeply love your child exactly as they are. Some parents grieve the ease they expected. Some grieve the way school is not safe. Some grieve how often they have to fight to be taken seriously. That grief does not contradict love. It often travels with love.
Adapt the Environment
Many families are told, explicitly or implicitly, that progress means their child learns to tolerate environments that are overwhelming, rigid, and unforgiving. There are times when building coping skills is helpful, and there are also times when the most effective intervention is changing the environment.
This can be as small as:
Making routines more predictable.
Creating a sensory break space.
Using visual supports.
Reducing unnecessary transitions.
Offering movement breaks.
Building in recovery time after school.
These changes are not “letting your child get away with it.” They are reducing load so your child can access learning, connection, and regulation.
It can also be as large as:
Pursuing accommodations at school.
Advocating for supports that respect your child’s nervous system.
Choosing settings that are more compatible with your child’s needs.
If your child has significant anxiety, it can be tempting to hear only one message: push through. The reality is more nuanced. For many children, anxiety improves when support is collaborative, gradual, and tailored, not forced. Evidence supports adapted cognitive behavioral therapy approaches for anxiety in autistic youth, which often include parent involvement and careful pacing (Wood et al., 2020). The tone matters. The pacing matters. And consent matters, especially when a child’s distress is high.
A useful question is: “Is this demand building capacity, or is it flooding my child’s system?” Capacity building usually has room for success, recovery, and choice. Flooding tends to leave a child more sensitized, not more resilient.
Protection and Empowerment Are Not Opposites
Many parents live inside a constant calculation. If I protect my child, will I limit them? If I push my child, will I harm them? The answer is rarely found in a single rule. It is found in relationship, attunement, and time.
It can help to remember that children can and do form secure attachments, including autistic children, and secure attachment is associated with better social and emotional outcomes over time (Teague et al., 2017). A secure base does not make a child dependent forever. It supports exploration. It supports risk taking. It supports growth.
Empowerment does not have to mean “do it alone.”
Empowerment can mean:
Having a communication system that works.
Having adults who believe you.
Having supports that reduce shame.
Having tools that make tasks accessible.
Having recovery time without punishment.
And protection does not have to mean avoiding growth.
Protection can mean:
Preventing unnecessary overwhelm.
Prioritizing safety.
Choosing the right timing.
Advocating so your child does not have to fight battles that belong to adults.
If you have ever been criticized for accommodating your child, it may help to reframe it this way: You are teaching your child that needs can be named and met with dignity. That lesson is not fragile. It is foundational.
If parenting feels heavy right now, it does not mean you are failing. It means you are parenting in a world that often asks too much of neurodivergent kids and too much of the people who love them.
Your child is not broken.
You do not have to parent alone.
Support is not something you earn by being fine.
If you would like a space to talk through what is happening in your home, and what support could look like in a way that respects your child’s neurotype and your family’s values, you are welcome to reach out to schedule with Taylor Alley, A-LPC/MHSP.
References
Devenish, B. D., Hooley, M., & Stokes, M. A. (2022). Can common strengths be identified in autistic young people? Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders, 95, 101966.
Dwyer, P. (2022). The neurodiversity approach(es): What are they and what do they mean for researchers? Autism, 26(3), 733–746.
Ekas, N. V., Lickenbrock, D. M., & Whitman, T. L. (2010). Optimism, social support, and well being in mothers of children with autism spectrum disorder. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 40, 1274–1284.
Hayes, S. A., & Watson, S. L. (2013). The impact of parenting stress: A meta analysis of studies comparing the experience of parenting stress in parents of children with and without autism spectrum disorder. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 43, 629–642.
Taboas, A., Doepke, K., & Zimmerman, C. (2023). Preferences for identity first versus person first language in autism stakeholders. Autism, 27(2), 565–570.
Teague, S. J., Gray, K. M., Tonge, B. J., & Newman, L. K. (2017). Attachment in children with autism spectrum disorder: A systematic review. Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders, 35, 35–50.
Theule, J., Wiener, J., Tannock, R., & Jenkins, J. M. (2013). Parenting stress in families of children with ADHD: A meta analysis. Journal of Emotional and Behavioral Disorders, 21(1), 3–17.
Wood, J. J., Kendall, P. C., Wood, K. S., Kerns, C., Seltzer, M., Small, B. J., Lewin, A. B., Storch, E. A., & Murphy, T. K. (2020). Cognitive behavioral treatments for anxiety in children with autism spectrum disorder: A randomized clinical trial. JAMA Psychiatry, 77(5), 474–483.
